Plot Holes
by That70sshowlova
Summary: The many plot holes, annoyances, and stupidities that is TWILIGHT.
1. Twilight

**PLOT HOLES, ANNOYANCES, AND STUPIDITIES IN TWILIGHT, OR AS MANY AS I CAN THINK OF.**

**KEEP IN MIND, TWILIGHT SUCKS.**

**(Then why do you write fanfiction for it? BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!)**

1. The whole "vegetarian" thing. Over-used, much? Can't we just have a good ol' fashion human eating vampire?

2. What's with all the big words? Keep in mind, I'm pretty smart. I'm in all honors, but to understand half of the things said in this book, you need a dictionary. What? Was a thesaurus her best friend while writing this?

3. Purple Prose. "**Purple prose **is a term of literary criticism used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. Purple prose is sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context. It also refers to writing that employs certain rhetorical effects such as exaggerated sentiment or paths in an attempt to manipulate a reader's response." Straight from Wiki.

4. The _sparkle_ thing. So many people were crazy about it. Whether it be, "LIEK, OMG HE'S SOOOO HAWT!" or "WHAT THE FUCK? VAMPIRE? MORE LIKE FAIRY!" But I get it, I do. The whole indestructible, like diamonds. Make 'em sparkle like diamonds, too! But, you see, Stephenie, for vampires to _sparkle_ in the sun, they would sparkle ALL the time. All the time. Sunlight never really disappears. In order for them _not_ to sparkle, it would have to be pitch black.

5. The whole venom thing. Are they snakes? Wait, no, snakes have _fangs._ These vampires don't.

6. What's with Edward being such a good kisser? He's a virgin, in EVERY sense of the word. (I don't even think he's had sex with himself before).

7. The angst. And not even _good_ angst.

"I love you Edward."

"We can't be together. I'm dangerous. My sparkles might kill you."

"Okay. We shouldn't be together, anymore, then."

"Wait, I love you!"

"Oh, I love you too, Edward."

"No, we can't be together. I'm no good for you."

X_X

8. You were ALL waiting for it. _He's climbin' in yo' window, he's snatchin' yo people up. Tryin' to rape 'em, so ya'll need to hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, and hide yo' husband 'cause they rapin' everybody up here._ Seriously, Edward? You don't watch women sleep. Seriously, Bella? It's not endearing. It's _not_ romantic. It's creepy. Get a restraining order.


	2. New Moon

**PLOT HOLES, ANNOYANCES, AND STUPIDITIES IN NEW MOON, OR AS MANY AS I CAN THINK OF.**

**KEEP IN MIND, TWILIGHT SUCKS.**

**(Then why do you write fanfiction for it? BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!)**

1. Seriously? Bella's dream? _Really_? She thinks she's grandmother-old because she turned eighteen. Shouldn't she be off doing something that she can legally _do_ now that she's eighteen? Go buy a pack of cigarettes or go vote!

2. Jasper going ape-shit crazy over a tiny paper cut. Even if he was hungry, he shouldn't have gone ballistic about it. He's around hundreds of students at school who have gallons of blood. In Midnight Sun they had waited two weeks to feed and Jasper was fine. Plus, think of all the chicks on the rag! Why would he go so crazy over a tiny ass paper cut?

3. Edward leaving. The family claims to love Bella, yet they just leave when Edward tells them to. I thought Carlisle was in charge...Anyway, the whole skipping four months thing...Bella was just a zombie. I get it. Your first break up, a pretty bad one, too. He took all your family and dumped you in a forest, meanwhile admitting that he never really loved you. What a douche. I told you not to love him! But still. You're a crazy obsessed bitch. Get over him.

4. LIEK OMG THEY'RE WULVES!111!11 Everyone saw that coming. Overused. Why not make them mermaids?

5. How the wolves phase. Wouldn't it _hurt_? Why do they just explode in mid-air? You would think that it would hurt how their bones are shifting into dog form. Uh, ouch!

6. Hearing her ex-vampire-boyfriend's voice inside her head. Crazy ass bitch!

7. Jumping off a cliff to continue to hear that boy's voice...NO! YOU DON'T DO THAT! If I started to hear my dead step mother's voice, do you know what I would do? I would tell my mom! I WOULDN'T JUMP OFF A FUCKING CLIFF TO _KEEP_ HEARING IT!

8. Hey, remember when Alice gave that dude the money roll to get him out of her way? She wrapped a thousand dollar bill on the outer side. Yeah, they don't make those.

9. Did I mention all the grammatical errors? And the spelling errors?


	3. Eclipse

**PLOT HOLES, ANNOYANCES, AND STUPIDITIES IN ECLIPSE, OR AS MANY AS I CAN THINK OF.**

**KEEP IN MIND, TWILIGHT SUCKS.**

**(Then why do you write fanfiction for it? BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!)**

1. THIS WHOLE BOOK WAS IRRELIVANT! NOTHING HAPPENED, EVER!

2. Bella kissing Jacob? What the hell! She claims to love Edward and love Jacob as a brother, yet she goes and frenches him! It makes no sense. You would think if she was in love with Edward as much as she was obsessed with him, she wouldn't even give Jacob the time of day.


	4. Breaking Dawn

**PLOT HOLES, ANNOYANCES, AND STUPIDITIES IN BREAKING DAWN, OR AS MANY AS I CAN THINK OF.**

**KEEP IN MIND, TWILIGHT SUCKS.**

**(Then why do you write fanfiction for it? BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO!)**

1. Remember when Jacob almost attacked Bella when he found out that she planned to give up her virginity on her honeymoon? SO FREAKING STUPID! He's angry because husband and wife are going to do what a husband and wife _do_?...But then again...Bella wasn't very gentle about it.

Jacob: So, hey what are you going to do on the honeymoon? Is he just going to...ya know...

Bella: I AM GOING TO WRECK HIS SPARKLING WHITE ASS!

Jacob: W-What do you mean?

Bella: I'LL STRAP ON A DILDO AND TAKE HIM UP THE ASS. -foams at the mouth-

Jacob: You're going t-to...

Bella: I'm going to take his virginity and squash it!

Jacob: YOU WHORE! SLUTTY SLUT, SLUT, SLUT!

Bella: Oh my gosh, Jake, why are you so angry?

Jacob: YOU FUCKING WHORE OF A SLUT!

Bella: -Suddenly gets angry- If you expect me to, liek, _nawt_ to take his dog for a walk, then you're like seriously disturbed. It's none of your business anyway. Why don't you just like...go imprint on somebody?

Jacob: -Grumble, grumble- Bitch -grumble-

***KEEP IN MIND, I AM **_**NOT**_** TEAM JACOB, THIS IS JUST HOW I INTERPRETED IT. I'M TEAM ROSALIE ^_^***

2. Bella trying to _seduce_ Edward. Laughable!

3. You were _all_ waiting for it! It is not physically possible for Stephenie Meyer's vampires to impregnate someone. First off, he has no blood in his veins...so...you know...no boner. Second, sperm cannot survive in open air for more than a _few hours_. It can only survive in a woman's body for a _few days._ Surviving in a dead body for eighty years? NOT LIKELY.

4. The half vampire half human thing...She's a monster, get over it.

5. Jacob _imprinting_ on her? Messed up. Stephenie had been hinting that Jacob would end up with Leah, but then she makes him imprint on not only a one second year old baby, which makes him a pedophile (not as bad as Edward, but still). But ALSO, not possible! She is half _vampire_, she is his _enemy_, therefore, they can't be together. He is naturally repulsed by vampires!

6. The Volturi. To some things up, this is what happened. Irena saw Renesmee, thought she was a baby vampire, which is illegal. So, she ran off and told the Volturi. The Volturi show up, to make sure for themselves. But the funny thing is, like it was something special, every single person in the castle came.

Aro: YOU DISOBEYED A LAW! YOU MUST DIE!

Bella: -Flips shit- RAHHHH!

Renesmee: I'm totally not a creepy child. -tilts head until her bone is poking out-

Aro: LET ME SEE THE CHILD

Renesmee: -Looks into the eyes of Aro-

Aro: I know this sounds wrong...but I want to fuck you.


	5. My view and review reply

**What did I tell you guys about flaming while under an anonymous account? Tsk, tsk, now I'll have to respond on _here_, where _everyone _can see. (I specifically wrote this story for flames, by the way.)**

**Dear, _Loser_ (ha, so didn't work out in your favor)**

"_**You call this plot holes but you didn't list any, all you did was talk about shit you did like. Just because someones imagination or writing style seem stupid to you doesn't make the thing she writes as wrong."**_

**If you payed _any _attention to the bold lettering in every chapter, you would understand. I _did_ write plot holes. Edward sparkling, Jacob imprinting on a vampire, and more that I'm to lazy to remember. But as I was saying, if you did read the beginning it clearly said "PLOT HOLES, _ANNOYANCES_, _STUPIDITIES_, OR AS MANY AS I CAN THINK OF."**

**Pay attention next time you dumb shit. **

**Keep in mind, I like flames, it really helps get out my anger. The stupid ones are especially amusing.**

**Oh! And the only reason I named this Plot Holes was because 1) I am _not _creative with titles, 2) I knew it would catch your attention. ^_^**

**And now, ONWARD!**

My view on _Twilight_.

It has _so _many flaws, so many stupidities, annoyances, plot holes, grammatical errors, spelling errors, it's ridiculous. I have named so many reasons not to like _Twilight_, and there are _so _many more! SO many!

..._Yet_...somehow...I can't help but...you know..._like it_. Not only did the craptastic book make me become a book worm, but in my opinion, when I was opened up more to reading, I got better grades in English and over all, a little smarter.

HOWEVER, it sucks. Ass. Lots and _lots_ of ass. Oh, wait, no it doesn't. It is the prudiest book I have ever read. And _obviously _Stephenie Meyer's wet dream fantasy that someone decided to publish.

Again, HOWEVER, fanfiction would be my guilty pleasure. I love reading and writing fanfiction. I can't go a day without writing fanfiction. And I love to read it. To be perfectly honest, there are better amateur writers on here that write for _Twilight_, that deserve way more attention than Stephenie has gotten for her craptastic book.


End file.
